Gina's Rant

Hahahahah!

So Tom Cruise lost his stupid Crackberry...I'm so glad I don't have one of those. However, if I got one for free I would so totally love it because it would save me money on a planner, which I need to buy soon for next year. I got mine @ Japantown last year so maybe I could go back there and look for a cute one. This time with more larger time spaces on it because our words are so much bigger then they're calligraphy symbol thingies anyway. I think I may have to pop on by Office Depot and look for some Westernized ones...although they're all kinda ugly and so blah. It's like 2009 in three years the world will end according to the Mayan calendar, and where are fuck are the Paris Hilton daily planners now, huh?!! She could be even richer if she got into that racket, let me tell you!

Back to Tom, hahhahahah...what a dumb ass! Seriously maybe he sucked up the 'berry with his ass or something. That would be hilarious. I also totally stole that from dlisted, but I almost cried laughing so I had to share the joy on here. I'm not sure why I get so much joy outta this, but I wish I lived in Toronto so I could have a 50% chance in finding it so I could put all the contents online. That would be sweet!

So I'm going to therapy today and I sure have a hell of a lot to say...so much so it gave me a headache so I went out and bought a deliciously fattening croissant sandwich, my god how I love those things! I have yoga tomorrow so I'll work it off eventually, but those things are so damn delicious they make life worth living again. I went to bed before 11pm last night because I was feeling down about everything. I'm feeling a little rebellious and stubborn today, like I want to isolate myself from everyone and do a lot of drugs. Yes I'm on the verge of depression, not really feeling too much anxiety, just tired of everyone and their opinions. Maybe I need to go on a retreat or something, get away from all the b.s. around here. But happy days will soon be upon us once this idiot moves out of my apartment. He's really made a mess outta crap there, I guess he doesn't mind burning bridges because as long as he's right, that's all that matters. I've learned that I can be right till the cows come home, but it's still not going to make me happy about anything. So I've learned to laugh at myself through most of it. So I need to let go and move on and do whatever it is to take care of myself and help make myself happy I suppose. Which is fine with me.

Oh thank god!!!!

So this insane person will be moving out of our precious apartment finally plus taking all his goddam shit with him. I so love it that I can rant on here, oh my friggin' GOD! Anyway, his attitude and selfishness are just too much to bear anymore and it's hilarious how he's forced us all away into our rooms thanks to his mood swings and MANIC behavior. He is a TOTAL WEIRD-O. I feel bad for the next person who has to live with him much less shag him (ew that thought utterly disgusts me because once like eons I go I did but I was totally wasted...ugh...that shit is nasty!)...Anyway, he has so much CRAP and he stinks up the entire apartment with his spray-painting and lack of personal hygiene. EWWWWW!!!

Bad roommate choice yes most definitely. We need to be careful who we choose next because I sure as hell do not want to live with another CRAZY person. It was just too much, it wasn't only the selfishness but it was the incessant bitching about everything, I've lived with girls who've complained less. Anyway, I can't believe we subjected ourselves to that...I feel bad for us all. There was this one time I heard he even through a tantrum and threw a plate on the floor. Completely bad news bears, who the hell wants to live with that mess and think it's normal?! Maybe that's why he got kicked out of his last place. Yuck!

Anyway, I am totally relieved, soon it will all be over and we only have a shit ton of shitty ass records to worry about. It seems there is no end to all the crap these idiots collect. I know I sometimes collect stuff but at some point I give it away because I do recognize that possessions are fleeting. I really don't need a library number of books or anything. Or elk antlers? For the sake of what's weird, whatever!

I imagine whoever decides to read this is glad that i only blog once a day since I started, well there were those few days but the novelty wore off quickly. Another thank god I suppose.

Potential Freedom

So it's counting down to the wire, and I may have two potential job prospects. Problem is, I don't want one of them really and the other, well, I'd love to work there because a) I get paid more and b) I get to work in Berkeley for the summer and I sure would love to get away from here during the week for at least a couple of months. The one I don't want is the one that may actually work out, I'm closer to knowing whether or not I'll get it and if I don't, then I guess I can focus my energies on the other one, which isn't a sure thing. I probably won't start either of these jobs until the beginning of January, because it makes no sense to start working this late into the month. Which is fine with me, but I'm bored to death of this receptionist job. The tedium makes me light-headed sometimes, but at least I get frequent breaks. But they're not really long enough from the boredom of answering phones.  Blah.

I am so frustrated with people these days. There's so much demand for me to "heal" that I feel like I don't even want to anymore. Yes, it's getting that way for me now. I may have to give up on it till I feel I have time to do it, because the expectations are too high or whatever for me right now. I'm not feeling very open about it either, just sort of like...whatever...can get me through the day pretty much. I don't feel like I'm really suffering or anything, I just sort of blindly go through evverything like it's okay but it's not really. Or maybe it is good enough for me for now because it just is what it is. While everyone is stressing about the economy, I'm just sitting here wondering if things will work out, but not really worrying about it either. I guess I'm not supposed to worry really. I don't really have time to nor do I care to. That's good enough for me.

Awful

That's one word how to describe how I'm feeling today. So freakin' awful. Next time I'll stay @ home when I feel this shitty. I was sort of just sitting around here this morning answering phones and slowly getting pissed off at everybody, thinking about work, friends, life and how unhappy I am right now at certain people for several different reasons. But actually it's more like I'm pissed off because I didn't express my disappointment to them or let them know what it was that they did that bothered me. I think I have unusually high expectations of people, when they don't act how I want them to act then I sort of retread back into this silence of utter disappointment with them. I don't hold grudges, I sort of move on but I do keep in mind what they've done for future reference and to sort of step around a similar circumstance if it comes out along the way of our friendship (or lack thereof). I feel that some people are not completely honest with me because they're ashamed of being unconscientious and sort of know that they have wronged me in some way. I don't like to bring these sorts of things up obviously, it makes for uncomfortable discussion, but it's impossibly difficult for me to talk about my feelings, especially if the other person is clueless about how they've hurt me or are insincere (and that is probably the worst). Not that I'm blameless either; if you don't speak up, you don't get your needs met. It's ironic I've been telling my mentee all this time that she needs to do this, but I myself struggle with doing this on a consistent basis. Last night I was talking to someone about this job, and I told her that the job is boring and tedious so sometimes I read a book (which is probably more beneficial to my intellect then reading a gossip blog) while I'm sitting here with nothing to do (after all the tasks have been done), and she sort of insinuated that it was not good for me to do that and that I should get everything done so it looks like I've done good work. I think I've told her plenty of times that this is not a permanent thing, nor do I want it to be permanent. That's probably my nightmare right now, being stuck here indefinitely. My other nightmare is answering the phones while being sick as a dog, which I am right now. In the long run, it doesn't matter if I surf the web, read a book, or twiddle my fingers while I sit here all alone with no one around but this computer and the occasional person walking by, no one is going to notice unless I'm streaming videos and slowing down the internet connection for the org, then there would be a definite issue. The only thing that gets noticed is if I eat something at the desk and leave crumbs. Big whoop.

Another issue I'm having is all this self-help crap I've signed up for, today I'm not too into it. I've decided to make a personal investment in order to get over being a control freak, accomodating, open-minded, neurotic freak and see if I can bring the focus back on my life, instead of focusing on everyone else's problems (not that I can fix their lives or anything, it's just nice to contemplate sometimes). It is working somewhat, although people seem to love sharing their opinions on shit they know nothing about especially pertaining to me. I'm especially cautious of giving anyone advice or information these days because what if it doesn't work for them? I'm terrified that they might come back and say, you steered me in the wrong directions, it's all your fault, blah blah blah. That shit is awful. And it is the word of the day.

A Short History of Nearly Everything

I'm no science dork but for some reason this book has definitely piqued my interest because Bryson writes about exactly what interests me so much about planets, atoms, evolution, you name it! Like friggin supernovaes! And the scientists (and perhaps ordinary scholarly types) who study and conduct research and experiments on these fascinating subjects. What is great about the book is that the chapters are blissfully short and hold your attention with his amusing anecdotes about these scientists and how they made their discoveries (sometimes just be chance and other times by constant observation for over 10 years or more). I think Bryson is able to be humorous, but also has a way with words at times. As I mentioned in a previous blog, sometimes science writers are not as accessible as they attempt to be, Bryson doesn't dumb it down too much, but nor does he write in scientific jargon all the time. I just like how he breaks it down. Anyway, I can't believe I found this book on a trash can! I think I know who left it though, I was looking through the pages and found a receipt for a Verizon bill and a BART pass. But I found this book months and months ago so the owner probably bought a new one already. The BART pass is duly accepted though, that can be useful. Although I don't take BART to work usually (it would be way faster though).

My history of everything is that I am sitting here bored outta my mind, contemplating that space that doesn't exist but does and how it bends the universe (so cool!). And I have to go to the bathroom. An example of what Bryson writes that really made me smile with pleasure: "Incidentally, disturbance from cosmic background radiation is something we have all experienced. Tune your television to any channel it doesn't receive, and about 1 percent of the dancing static you see is accounted for by this ancient remnant of the Big Bang. The next time you complain that there is nothing on, remember that you can always watch the birth of the universe." (Bryson, p. 12) He even brings up dark matter (which recently came up again in the Science section of the NYT). Ah, yes, the dark matter that is the yang of atoms. I need to pick up an accessible book about quantum physics and mechanics at some point. I so wish I took that physics class in high school (the teacher was no good...but neither was the biology teacher either). Hell, we should have had astronomy class in high school, I took one in college but it wasn't very interesting. Mostly, it was just math and memorizing facts. Perhaps I should have found an astronomy science writing class with Bryson, Sagan and that other guy (forgot his name) as texts for the class. That would be fascinating.

This book really helps me become interested in something again, even if it is for a fleeting moment. But that's what life is: a succession of moments. I have a feeling this will be the point that Bryson makes at the end...I think he made it at the beginning with his explanation of time and how it affects atoms. I can't believe we're made from billions of atoms all bounded together in a tight mass. That seems amazing and totally just...wow...and we can think too! Awesome!  There must be some way of explaining our existence with quantum mechanics and philosophy intertwined. I actually met someone who had that major @ LSE. But she was a bit of a stoner and very quiet. Sometimes when you're a genius all you have is yourself to magnify these ideas about life and science together to others who are open to those very same ideas. And sometimes ideas spring concurrently forward on the same floor of the astronomy building (as Bryson mentions quite a few times in his book).   

Information explosion

So I started reading Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything, literally the first few pages and I am fascinated. Accessible science writing! Yeah! I actually found the book on the street on top of a trash can. How can people throw such good book away? In fact, any books for that matter. Once I found a ton of old 50s science fiction mystery thrillers on Oak Street, and sold them to Black Oak Books (which is now closed) and got like almost $200 for them. People have no idea of the value of books. They are priceless considering that most newspapers will be obsolete thanks to the internet. Or probably are already obsolete, which explains why many newspapers have forgone the hard copy newspaper and now eveything's on the internet. So one day all books will be on the 'net, which sucks because there's nothing like the smell of a new book. Old books sort of make me sneeze, but I do respect them in their yellowing old age. And some of those babies are worth $$$!

So the reason for the title of this rant is my problem with all the books I currently have on my list to read. How to prioritize indeed...I tried by alphabetical order, but starting with Margaret Atwood is a bit challenging considering it's a collection of short stories from the 80s that I'm simply not interested in reading at this time.  Perhaps by theme...? I was just thinking, will I remember any of the books I read? I have excellent recall of books I've read a couple of times, like The Catcher in the Rye and A Tree Growns in Brooklyn, but for books I've read only once, it's almost like I have amnesia and never can remember if I read them or not. I read so much Dostoevsky in college that I can't even remember what happened in each novel (I sort of merge everything together in one huge smorgasbord), but I know for a fact that I never finished Dracula because it was too damn, well, boring. I know some people like it, but I just could not get into it. I am not a true goth...but I did read all of Anne Rice's vampire novels as well as The Witching Hour, which is probably better than all her vampire stuff put together. Can you believe that she went all religious on us?! She wrote those Sleeping Beauty erotica books for chrissakes! Repent, repent! Anyway, I am so excited about books, but it's hard for me to focus on one thing because of current economic insability, plus the friggin' "Wire" has kept me watching it like an addict. Also TV and it's stupid ads about, gee, I don't know what...was watching "The Mentalist", which is okay but it has the exact same formula as most crime shows. It gets old. Seriously. I need to start watching something else, because these are the days of hibernation, hence my re-fascination of books. But I suffer from adult ADD and cannot sit down to read anything to save my life. I seriously think it's because my homelife is so cluttered and the distractions are too much. I need to just go to a cafe and read and turn of my cell phone. Good call! (no pun intended).

feeling illin'

I feel like death. Beejesuz!

Actually, I'll be okay, I'm just going to get something to eat and relax and try not to fall asleep where I'm sitting. And wait for this insane part of the city to die down. I'm so glad I don't live in NYC. When I got sick there at least I would keep on working because the energy of the place would make you feel okay even if you were sick. It's weird how it does that to you, I remember walking around in the dead of winter in nyc feeling like hell but still having the energy to shop or eat somewhere. It's really quite interesting and insane at the same time. At least it's not THAT cold here. But still, just trying to cross the street while you're riding your bike and trying to get by a gazallion people crossing to the other side completely sucks. Makes you not want to ride a bike anywhere. But then I have to take the bus, and I already been through that, I'm tired of being up against someone fighting to hold to the pole or whatever because those handle things are too high for me to reach. So anti-short people!! I must write a letter someday about that shit someday. Maybe I should suck down ten Emergen-Cs and see if I feel better after peeing it out for the next few hours. That sometimes works. I swear by it. Modern medicine be damned! I've aleady gone over my complete distrust of modern medicine. I think the reason for people's ailments can be wittled down to one glaring culprit: STRESS. Everyone I know who's had eating issues, stomach problems, health problems, headaches, heart attacks, control issues: it's basically because of stress. I read somewhere that stress is one of the big killers. So if you learn to RELAX and take care of yourself and give yourself an effin' break, you won't die as quickly plus your hair won't turn grey. Mine hasn't, I still look like I'm 24 (or maybe a little older, hell!), and I've had a lot of stress in my life, which has turned into some stomach issues and allergies, but all those ailments are easily remedied by yoga, exercise, acupuncture and, most of all, healthy eating. I think maybe I'll grab a big bowl of Japanese soup and some sushi to help nourish my body tonight. Because dammit if it didn't need some TLC!   

Ew case management...!?

Is that all I'm good for? A lowly case management position! WTF?! Anyway, maybe it pays well but still, this sucks donkey butts, plus it's in the TL, and working there will be like non-stop harassment like when I temped for the TNDC (which I loved 'cause they were all so nice!)...the black dudes there are worse than the Mexicans, they do not hold back and they do not  even have the protection of speaking in a language maybe half the population of the city doesn't understand...EW! I'm totally on the fence about this, first it gets me out of doing this shit ad nauseum and I'll have the excitement of working for a new place where maybe people will be nicer to me than at my past position because everything is brand spanking new! Even the building is new. Nice...probably a perk but not as big a perk as working for the other org I interviewed for, with their catering every Tues and Thurs (oh man that would be sweet!). So sad I haven't heard back from them either. Ugh. I feel disappointed in everything now. I hate taking a job out of desperation, I'm really not that desperate, but this temping thing will last only till the end of this month and it's taken my forever to find anything worth my time or effort to interview for to be honest. I've applied to like ten million places. No actually I haven't applied to that many places. This shit better pay well if not I'm so not even considering it. Supposedly most case management positions pay better...well, maybe I can work myself up and apply for the program director position when she/he quits or whatever. That sounds like a good plan. I can't afford to wallowing around doing temp work for another few months, they pay is way shittier than case management pay that's for sure. I think I've convinced myself to take it even though I don't really want it. My therapist would be so disappointed in me right now, but HA! Maybe I'll just get the call from them and sit on it for a day or so. Why is the other place taking forever to get back to me! I hate everybody! Wait...no...I just hate some people.   

Lindsay Lohan's Facebook

Miss Thing had the nerve to complain about her facebook being disabled because she was going under a fake identity, amidst 100s of 14 year olds pretending to be Miss Famewhore herself. Oh boo effin hoo!

On another note, I've been reading celeb blogs for way too long, it actually gave me a headache reading her stupid infantile rant on www.dlisted.com. Sure she's 22, but she should spend more time drinking and getting coked outta her mind then actually writing on her stupid blog or whatever. I don't think that facebook even has a blog thing on it either. Myspace does unfortunately, I haven't checked mine in ages because I have better things to do (I probably will go to it now out of curiosity...of course). Myspace went out with growing up and actually going out and talking to other people. Although, the entertainment you get from conversating with other people at the bar has been greatly limited these days. It must be my tolerance level for drunk assholes who think I'm saying "purple diarrhea"instead of "verbal diarrhea". Granted he really wasn't listening to me but eavesdropping on my conversation about the difference in speaking English and Spanish. How rude! But anyway, I haven't had fun at a bar in the past year given the circumstances surrounding my homelife and living with a wide range of addicted potsmokers and white-knuckling alcoholics. Yeah, it sounds all cute and shit but it also can be quite boring, seeing how much social anxiety can actually destroy a household in a year. And here I thought artists were supposed to be social animals, not egotistical control freaks with co-dependendency issues and loud mouth talkers so everyone can here their opinion on mac and cheese. Sigh. Yet it is almost over and soon all the records and "found art pieces" will be gone. If only I didn't have to wait till next year, maybe some day I will look upon this and laugh and think to myself "oh those were the days". No, I'll probably live by myself because this is SO NOT FUN!   

I should probably do a seperate blog about the awesomeness of living in a flat with 6 other people. But I think I'll hold back in case someone actually reads this blog and starts spreading it to the people I live with and then they'll think I'm a bitch. I'm a secret bitch actually, I love keeping this sorta thing to myself. If I'm confronted, I'll gladly share my opinion about what I think of you, especially if you're a jerkface who thinks they're all that. Someone has to tell you, how will you get a boyfriend/girlfriend otherwise? I'm playing...nah, I just need to get this off my chest so I can go on with my day.   

im starting to feel sick...

Someone's made me sick...and yes I'm looking at you. Fortunately I don't need to do much but sit here and answer the phone. And probably make everyone else sick at work, that's like my favorite thing to do. They are so lucky that they don't pay me for sick time...if I get sick I don't get paid anything anyway. Future employers be warned! I'm actually not as sick as I used to be, since I started doing yoga my immune system has gotten loads better, plus with the acupuncture (which has helped my allergies), I think I could recover from a cold in two days. The sinus infection thing took a little longer to recover from, but I think I was well in like 4-5 days without any major antibiotics...just over the counter sinus meds. That's what they give you at the doc's anyway...aside from the antibiotics that could possibly give you a yeast infection (well not to men for the most part). Antibiotics work but they also can make you sicker. I remember when I had an ulcer a couple of years ago thanks to our little friend h.pylori, I had to take these huge antibiotic pills than made me feel like I was dying. Imagine me working with foster youth all day and having to feel like hell just because of that little bacteria in my stomach, so I quit that bitch so fast and decided to go to acupuncture instead (I finally listened to them and quit eating cheese, so now I can actually breathe through my nose and smell stuff). Once I get health insurance I may have to go down that route again 'cause the little buggers are reactivating and I'm having trouble digesting most of the food that I eat these days. Might also be because if I eat utter crap food then I'll most definitely get sick to my stomach. I felt it hardcore this past week with Thanksgiving. I'm not really big on eating till you're lethargic holidays anymore. I can't really eat a whole lot anymore, I get full really fast on like 10-15 bites of food. And boy do I love to eat...what a shame! Like this piece of cake I was just eating, it was too sweet or whatever...I know, it's friggin' cake, it's supposed to be sweet! If they made a sour cake I would like that so much better though. Mmmmm, sour cake. So I'm slowly getting sick, so I need to take care of myself and go to yoga and then go to bed early after watching the last episode of the second season of "The Wire" (yeah I know I bored you to death talking about it yesterday). Really good episode last night though, Omar is the shit! Sometimes I don't know what's going on because they talk in code so much.  I might even take a Benadryl if the sniffles are too much for me. I had a sneezing fit last night for no apparent reason, but it went away in like 10 minutes. Now I know why, I might get sicker by the end of the day. But if I maintain an air of wellness, I'm sure I'll make it through. I feel bad for the girl that gives me breaks, she might get sick too. But at least she gets paid sick time. I don't. So maybe I'll go to work even though I'm sick. I know it doesn't sound like fun, but this is my bread and butter until I get a real job. Which might happen soon or whatever, some place is checking my references, hopefully for the position I want and not a case management position (ugh I always get stuck in those, it's like purgatory for the over-skilled). Anyway, I'm gonna get off this thing and read something entertaining until lunch time.

One more thing - I was reading this article about the Duggars family, they're that crazy family of nearly 18 (going on 19) kids! WTH is up with those people!? That woman's poor vagina and uterus are a misshapen mass of stretched out skin, totally ravaged from the insanity of childbirth, she probably hasn't had a break in years. Every year she has a child or some insane shit like that. So anyway, they're trying to go to this amusement park in Arkansas and get there by 9am...yeah, as if! Since there are so many kids they take nearly 4-5 hours to get out of the house, but they at least manage to get there in one piece, with the van smelling like cat shit (don't ask) and deoderizer and child vomit. UGH, they're like the poster child family for not having more than 2 kids. They're all like, these are God's blessings. I think God would also strongly advise Michelle D. to get her tubes tied. Poor woman is a baby-making machine, much like the women in Margaret Atwood's book "The Handmaid's Tale" (I totally recommend it, very very haunting!). I think I'll have to find Michelle's address and mail her the book, she must REBEL! I gotta go, my head is starting to hurt!