Awful

That's one word how to describe how I'm feeling today. So freakin' awful. Next time I'll stay @ home when I feel this shitty. I was sort of just sitting around here this morning answering phones and slowly getting pissed off at everybody, thinking about work, friends, life and how unhappy I am right now at certain people for several different reasons. But actually it's more like I'm pissed off because I didn't express my disappointment to them or let them know what it was that they did that bothered me. I think I have unusually high expectations of people, when they don't act how I want them to act then I sort of retread back into this silence of utter disappointment with them. I don't hold grudges, I sort of move on but I do keep in mind what they've done for future reference and to sort of step around a similar circumstance if it comes out along the way of our friendship (or lack thereof). I feel that some people are not completely honest with me because they're ashamed of being unconscientious and sort of know that they have wronged me in some way. I don't like to bring these sorts of things up obviously, it makes for uncomfortable discussion, but it's impossibly difficult for me to talk about my feelings, especially if the other person is clueless about how they've hurt me or are insincere (and that is probably the worst). Not that I'm blameless either; if you don't speak up, you don't get your needs met. It's ironic I've been telling my mentee all this time that she needs to do this, but I myself struggle with doing this on a consistent basis. Last night I was talking to someone about this job, and I told her that the job is boring and tedious so sometimes I read a book (which is probably more beneficial to my intellect then reading a gossip blog) while I'm sitting here with nothing to do (after all the tasks have been done), and she sort of insinuated that it was not good for me to do that and that I should get everything done so it looks like I've done good work. I think I've told her plenty of times that this is not a permanent thing, nor do I want it to be permanent. That's probably my nightmare right now, being stuck here indefinitely. My other nightmare is answering the phones while being sick as a dog, which I am right now. In the long run, it doesn't matter if I surf the web, read a book, or twiddle my fingers while I sit here all alone with no one around but this computer and the occasional person walking by, no one is going to notice unless I'm streaming videos and slowing down the internet connection for the org, then there would be a definite issue. The only thing that gets noticed is if I eat something at the desk and leave crumbs. Big whoop.

Another issue I'm having is all this self-help crap I've signed up for, today I'm not too into it. I've decided to make a personal investment in order to get over being a control freak, accomodating, open-minded, neurotic freak and see if I can bring the focus back on my life, instead of focusing on everyone else's problems (not that I can fix their lives or anything, it's just nice to contemplate sometimes). It is working somewhat, although people seem to love sharing their opinions on shit they know nothing about especially pertaining to me. I'm especially cautious of giving anyone advice or information these days because what if it doesn't work for them? I'm terrified that they might come back and say, you steered me in the wrong directions, it's all your fault, blah blah blah. That shit is awful. And it is the word of the day.